The Miseducation of Olivia Benson
by Melene96
Summary: At the beginning of Season 14, Olivia told Brian she wasn't who she used to be. Had she really changed and if so, what events led up to her radical transformation? #Bensidy.
1. A Meltdown Between Friends (Weary)

**Please note: #Bensidy shows up a little later in the fic, but the initial chapters feature Olivia's "education" and the lessons she's learned.  
**

_This woman is growing weary,_

_Of having to be so strong,_

_Of having to pretend I'm made of stone,_

_So I won't end up with no broken bones,_

_I can't fight every battle alone._

-Amel Larrieux, "Weary"

* * *

Cragen's words sucker punch her in the gut. Her heart free falls into her stomach, and it's almost too much to breathe. His words replay on a cruel loop inside her head.

_"Elliot put in his papers in. There was nothing I could do."_

Her body numbs. "He's earned it," is all she can reply.

"And then some," he quips.

"Liv, do you want to take a day?" he implores. His tone is neutral, but his eyes try to plead with her.

The only thing preventing her from crashing to her knees in grief is the impenetrable armour that barricades her emotions.

She just smiles and repeats her lifelong mantra. "I'm fine," and opens the door.

But they both know she's not.

She walks back to the floor, and feels someone's eyes following her every move. She looks up to see Fin staring at her; his eyes soft with concern.

"You OK?," he inquires in his classic nonchalant way.

"Yeah," she lies through her teeth.

"We got a 10-34 on Waverly," Munch announces. A visibly deflated Olivia steps into his line of view. He observes her stance and switches gears. "Fin, take Rollins."

Olivia screams inwardly. She has nothing against Amanda, but she wasn't ready for the inevitable SVU squad "shuffle" just yet. She longed for the comfort of familiarity, and although she and Fin weren't partners, his stabilizing presence was just what she needed right now.

"No, I'll go. Give me five, and we'll roll."

Munch nods, looking suspicious as always. Fin watches her walk away until she's out of view.

She rushes towards the elevator and heads to the roof to begin her private meltdown, when she spots relief from out of the corner of her eye. She opens up the door to the interrogation room and steps inside. She closes the door and anchors herself against the wall, as she feels her knees start to buckle. She attempts in vain to grip the concrete walls with her nails. She turns and doubles over; her body convulses from sobbing. She squeezes her eyes shut and lets the tears pour down her face. After a few moments, she wipes her face with her shirt and walks out the door.

She makes her way outside the precinct and looks up at the sky with red-rimmed eyes, thankful for the blinding sunlight. She slips on her sunglasses and waits for Fin on the steps.

Seconds later, he arrives.

"You ready?"

"Yeah," she mumbles, and they make their way to the cruiser.

He notices her gait and the way she hangs her head as she walks. Wherever she is right now, he knows it's in a dark place.

He slows his walking, and she doesn't even break her stride to find out why. She's too consumed with her thoughts.

"I'll drive," Fin offers.

"OK."

They slide into the squad car, and Fin pulls out onto the road.

He looks over and sees her frantically flexing her hands. He recognizes this from her Sealview days; it's one of her ticks to help her stay in control.

"Liv, what's really goin' on?" he says, carefully measuring his words.

She takes a deep breath and begins, "Elliot put in his papers. He didn't contact me beforehand, he just went to Cragen and put in his papers."

He keeps his left hand on the steering wheel and squeezes her shoulder with his right. Her muscles are knotted with tension. "I'm so sorry, Liv."

She doesn't say anything at first, just nods. Fin listens to her labored breathing. It becomes more and more erratic until it's the only sound in the car.

She can no longer hold in her pain and begins to unravel. "It's s-s-so hard Fin. It's s-s-so goddamn h-h-hard… I..." her throat burns as her sobs turn into hiccups.

"I got you Liv," and he knows what he has to do without her asking. His eyes begin searching for something.

In many ways, they're mirror images of each other, both possessing sensitive hearts that beat beneath stoic exteriors. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots what he's been looking for. He slows down and pulls into a hidden alley. He turns off the ignition and steels himself for the coming onslaught of emotion. She slumps hard against his shoulder.

"I got you, Baby Girl. Let it out."

He turns and holds her tight as she crumbles beneath him. A cacophony of soul shattering sobs and screams erupt from within her.

She doesn't think twice about her actions. Fin is the only person she would ever break down in front of. When she faced the aftermath of Sealview, it was Fin she confided in, not Elliot. It was Fin that kept her harrowing secret guarded to this very day.

On the outside, Fin was a pillar of strength, but inside, he just barely contains his murderous rage.

_Stabler, I could snap your motherfuckin' neck for what you're putting her through._

"Fin." Her hoarse whisper purges the anger from him and brings him back from the edge.

"Yeah?"

"I'm so tired. Sometimes it's exhausting battling myself. Always pretending to be in control."

"I know. I would tell you to open up more, but we both know you ain't built for sharing. And I'm not about to feed you advice that I don't follow myself."

She gives him the faintest of smiles. "I'll be OK. Eventually."

"I know you will be, Liv. Nothing's ever held you down for too long." They share a look, both understanding the weight behind his statement and their shared history.

"Thanks Fin. For this," she motions between them.

"Don't sweat it. You know I'm here if you need to talk. Anytime."

She reaches out and squeezes his hand. His dimples reveal themselves as he widens his face in a rare smile.

"I might take you up on your offer."

But they both know that she won't.

He nods and reaches inside the glove compartment. He hands her a wad of napkins and gives her a few minutes to wipe her face. Once she's cleaned up, he slides the key back into the ignition.

"You good?"

"Yeah," she replies, and he notices the confidence is back in her voice.

He looks at her from out of the corner of his eye and sees she's slipped back on her mask, and her vulnerability has vanished. He doesn't say another word as he makes his way to the crime scene. He knows the moment they step out of the car they'll never speak of this day again.

Olivia stares straight ahead, determined to put this day behind her. She knows that Fin is a man of few words, but his actions always speak volumes. And today, his actions told her that he would always be in her corner.

For all of Elliot's bravado, he cowered in the face of adversity. Olivia didn't think any less of him for putting his papers in. She understood better than anyone the anguish of ending a life, especially under tragic circumstances. She would never judge Elliot for quitting. It wasn't _that_ he left; it was _how_ he left. She saw him through some of the most trying times in his life. When Kathy served him with divorce papers, she was there for him. When his daughter was in trouble with the law, she was there. Hell, she even helped to deliver his youngest son.

After everything they had been through, the truth was a simple goodbye was too much trouble for Elliot Stabler.

Today was one of the most painful days of her existence, but she learned a valuable lesson. When things get messy or complicated, stick with the people who won't run away and will weather the storm with you, like Fin and the rest of her SVU family.

Elliot excluded.


	2. The Bliss of Letting Go (Ex-Factor)

_I keep letting you back in,_

_How can I explain myself?_

_As painful as this thing has been,_

_I just can't be with no one else,_

_See I know what we've got to do,_

_You let go, and I'll let go too._

-Lauryn Hill, "Ex-Factor"

* * *

"David, we can't keep doing this."

"That's not what your hips were saying a minute ago," he laughs, as he rolls out from underneath her.

She sighs and rubs her eyebrow in frustration. Making a clean break was going to be more difficult than she anticipated.

She and Haden cancelled their relationship a month ago, but they were still going strong in the bedroom. They both vowed to keep things physical, never venturing outside of the other's apartment. Their trysts were fun, for a while, but Olivia was growing tired of their weekend romps.

"What's your fuss? We're having a good time, right?" He jabs her in her ticklish spot and she collapses against his chest in a fit of giggles, and her long chestnut locks cover his face.

She regains her composure and smooths down her shirt, "Yeah, but a good time is all it will ever be. You and I know this won't go any further."

Her words strike a nerve, and his face darkens. "Not if we both want to keep our jobs, right?"

She reaches out to touch his shoulder, "David, I-"

He shrugs her off, "I told you I could resign." He turns to look her in the eye, "I still can."

She blinks at him, at first, in disbelief. Then cackles incredulously when she realizes he's serious. He can feel the heat rising in his cheeks at her flippant attitude.

"We both know you won't," she asserts.

"How the hell do you know what I will and won't do?" his voice was low and raw.

"Because, if you were going to resign, you would have done so already, and you would have told me after the fact," she retorts with a knowing smirk draped across her lips, as her mind replays the night of their breakup.

* * *

**Flashback: April 11, 2012**

Olivia and David are at their favorite bar. They toast to the victory of getting a wrongfully accused and imprisoned man out of jail after eight years, the same man that she helped to put behind bars in the first place. But his acquittal came at a price for the couple. Olivia drinks in her surroundings, including David's appearance, and commits these details to memory knowing this is the end of the road for them.

_"I'm going to be looking at cases that you handled." Haden said, lifting his martini to his lips._

_"And we never disclosed." Her voice wavered._

_"It's not too late. That would mean I'd have to resign."_

_"Well that's ridiculous, you can't do that. It's what you live for." She gave him a sideways glance._

_"Says who?"_

_"Says you. The first time you walked into our squad room." She felt the tears collecting at the corners of her eyes._

_"That means-"_

_"I know," she interjected, "This. Us. Never happened." she declared with watery eyes. _

* * *

She looks over at him as he lies in bed, arms crossed behind his head and deep in thought. She knows that he knows she's right. If he felt that strongly about her, he would've resigned as an impassioned gesture of his love for her. But she knew he was just paying her lip service, offering to do something he would never act on. Just like a lawyer.

Then again, the thought of her leaving SVU for him never crossed her mind either.

"If you really wanted us to be together, you wouldn't have given up so easily. You would have fought for us. Anything worth having is worth fighting for."

"I don't remember you suiting up to go to battle either," he sneers.

She draws her lips in a tight line, and nods, "You're right, and what does that tell you?" she put back at him. Her words sting like an open-handed smack against his cheek.

"Let's not argue, this isn't about rehashing the past or one of us winning or losing. It's about facing reality, David. We're too much alike. We're both married to our careers, and we're not willing to sacrifice that at any cost."

His shoulders droop in defeat at the realization of her statement. Deep down, he knows she was right. He adores Olivia, and they are compatible in many ways. But he wasn't sure she was the One. And even if she was, would that matter? This was his career, his livelihood. Was he willing to bet everything on love? Cupid sure as fuck didn't come through for him the first time around. He was _still_ writing alimony checks to his ex-wife every month, five years after their divorce.

"Besides, even if you did quit, you'd end up resenting me, whether "we" worked out or not. Every day that I went to the job that I love would be a daily reminder of the career you had sacrificed. You'd hate me a little more each day until there was no love left. It's a lose-lose scenario."

"Which brings me back to my original question. If we already know a relationship wouldn't work, why give this up?" He pauses for dramatic effect and looks her dead in the eye, "Unless...you've already found my replacement?"

She glares at him, and her eyes narrow into angry slits, "We're not in court, David, so stop speaking in circles. Are you asking me if I'm screwing someone else while I'm screwing you? What kind of whore do you take me for?"

"That's not what I'm asking, and you know it. Stop deflecting, Olivia!"

She quickly turns away from him, but not before he sees her chew on her lip. A singular thought runs through her mind.

_Does he know about Cassidy?_

Her mind was consumed with her recent run in with Brian Cassidy from two days ago. She felt an undeniable spark between them in the interrogation room, much like she did thirteen years ago. She knew that Cassidy had a thing for her, and when he moved her hands away to get a bird's eye view of her ass, she knew this wasn't the same boyish SVU rookie. The old Cassidy didn't have the balls to pull a stunt like that. She was definitely turned on by his gruff "bad boy" demeanor.

Beneath his five o'clock shadow and jaded facade, Olivia saw glimpses of the young, shy, sweet-natured rookie that had a crush on her way back when. He still snuck in glances when he thought she wasn't looking, and when they were face-to-face, his eyes lingered on her a little longer than they should have.

But he was involved with that...escort. She could barely form her mouth around the word without getting disgusted.

_Carissa. Her name is Carissa. Play nice, Olivia, _she reminded herself.

Olivia assumed since Cassidy was undercover he was just working this girl for the case. But what if his feelings for her ran deeper than that? Just how deep UC was he? Olivia owed it to herself to find out.

"Are you seeing someone else?"

_Tell him the truth, Olivia. Don't just end things and then run away._

Elliot's leaving taught her that if you let someone into your private life for a reason, give them the courtesy of a final goodbye. Allowing someone to torment themselves by trying to figure out the reasons for your departure isn't just wrong, it's cruel.

"No. But there's a possibility."

He nods and swallows, but the lump catches in his throat. "I understand," he says, and he does. He knew this day was coming, but he didn't expect it to come so soon.

"You're really eager to get back on the dating saddle, huh?"

"I never wanted to climb off," she declares.

Her words sting him a second time. "I'm sorry."

She crinkles her forehead in confusion, "For what?"

He focuses on the ground, "Because I _let_ this happen."

"Excuse me?" she scoffs, "_You_ didn't let anything happen, we are two adults that made this decision together."

"Yes," he agrees, eyes still glued to the ground, "But I'm a lawyer, and I know better than anyone that our relationship was a conflict of interest. Sooner or later, one of us would've had to come forward or risk someone else doing so behind our backs. It was inevitable that one of us would have to resign. Our affair was doomed from the start. I'm just sorry I wasted your time on our...mistake."

Her face softens, "Is that how you think I look at this, at what we were, as a mistake? You couldn't be more wrong."

Now it was his turn to be confused. He stops looking at his feet to look at her.

She takes his face into her hands, "David, what you and I had was not a mistake. It was a wonderful experience for me in a year filled with uncertainty. Earlier this year, if you told me that my life would be turned upside down and that I'd grow to welcome my new reality, I would think you were downright certifiable. Saying that I don't like change is the understatement of the century," she snorted. "But this year change was forced on me and I had to adapt. I abruptly lost my partner of over a decade , and I thought my personal and professional world would come crashing down around me. But after the dust cleared, the strangest thing happened, I realized that with change came freedom and new beginnings...new possibilities. We got two new additions to SVU that are shaping up to be real assets to the team. I have a new partner who I hated at first, but he and I have started to really gel. He respects my space and privacy which Elliot never did. And I finally have the chance to explore my personal life without enduring heavy criticisms or worrying about my partner running background checks on any potential boyfriends. I have the chance to focus on my life as a woman, not just as a detective. And to share myself and time with whom I choose."

She inches closer so they stand toe-to-toe. "So you see, our affair helped to shape who I am...who I'm becoming. If you consider this a mistake, there's no one else I would have rather made this mistake with."

She leans in and presses her lips to his, deepening the kiss as their tongues tango for the last time.

**A/N: Next up, Bensidy!**


End file.
